Our meetings since the wedding have been sparse, but recently Lob and I celebrated her birthday with her. This girl carries around a bag of crap with her everywhere she goes. The day I was supposed to driver her up to her wedding, I couldn't get her into the car, or to pack the things she actually needed, because she was too busy collecting crap from the closets of her parents' house. When I put my foot down about the bags of crap in my car (there were 4 of us, and I have a small car), she hid her things under the seats, in the glove compartment, anywhere she could find. I got rid of most of them, but I was finding particularly well hidden things for weeks afterwards. The thing is, she likes to give gifts away. She sees crap and things, "Bob would like this! I will give it to him!" It should be endearing. When I have not spent 8 hours of my vacation trying to coax her into my car, I can remember that.
So at her birthday she was carrying around a big canvas bag o' crap. She had so many gifts for Lob, that a grocery bag had to be found for her to carry them home. This was mostly because Lob has two little boys, and our old friend had plenty of toys for them. Colorful fish soaps, what else Lob? I don't remember - I just know Lob got showered. Well, at the end of the night, as Log and I were trying to leave, she suddenly remembered how she had something for me, too. But it was hard to find in her large bag of crap, so there was much anticipation as she searched. She kept saying, "Wait, Jennifer! Wait! I have something for you! It's perfect for you! I saw it and I thought of you! Wait... it's just for you!!" And at last she pulled something out of her bag, and this is what it was:
"If you can't get a date, grow the perfect mate."
She read that, and out of all the people in the world, she thought of me. Lob walked up and saw it and guffawed. (That wasn't very nice, Lob. She was trying to be thoughtful!)
And here's the back, in cased you wanted more:
does this sound a little... disturbing?
Another small example my typical luck:
This past weekend I was at a music venue to see a band. As soon as I walked in, the guy I was with ran into someone he knew, and while they caught up, I went upstairs to the bathroom. When I came back down, I couldn't find him where I had left him in the foyer. So after looking around the main room, I headed back to the outer hallway where a bunch of folks were standing around talking. On the other side of the open doorway I needed to walk through was one of the largest men I had ever seen. Tall and big. LARGE. So I attempted to slide by near the far side of the doorway, but at the same time, this man was telling a story to two friends that necessitated some violent hand gestures. He flung and arm back, and I took a back-slap right across the cheek bone. (And that stung, too!) It was hard enough to knock me back against the door frame. The guy (who turned out to be the bassist for the opening band), immediately realized what he had done, whipped around towards me and said, "I'm sorry baby-" - he didn't quite finish his sentence. He turned around so fast, he lost his balance. So one second I've been slapped up against a door-frame, and the next I see this incredibly large man start stumbling, waving his arms frantically around, and finally, tilting, and leaning, faster and faster, towards me. Meanwhile, I stayed crouched and frozen where I had fallen against the doorway, watching it in slow motion. But the scariest part was the expressions on his friends' faces. Because although I know all this happened very quickly, I saw all. I saw him falling, slowly, and I saw also, the very panicked faces of the two men near him, and how they jumped forward to try to catch him. But I knew they were too far away.
And just before he fell on me, I looked up and saw my friend I had been looking for in the first place. Because at this point, all heads had turned.
His friends pulled him off, and I didn't get crushed. The knuckles across the cheek was definitely the worst part of it.
As my friend said, "Of all the people that could have fallen on you, you go and find - by far - the largest one."
This is what I do, people.
3 comments:
Laughing out loud...and speechless. That seems to be one of those parody products that you would see on a Late Night Comedy show or something...
Are you planning to keep, to grow the boyfriend, or to regift to that special someone? You can't just let it go.
Oh, to regift - for sure. I knew the moment I received it that I would be giving it away soon. Christmas is coming up after all...
Personally, I loved all of my gifts. I even wrote a thank you note. And don't get on me for guffawing. If you could have seen your face when she gave you the frog statue. I had to elbow you in your side so you would stop making that horrible look which was a mix of being horrified, dumbstruck, and amused.
In any event, I am really hoping that I don't get you at any Dirty Santa parties this year.
And, how have you not written about that weekend of hell some would call a wedding weekend? That was made to blog about or write a book about, that is if you have not repressed the memory of it like I have.
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