Dolly does Australia

A while back I suggested that you guys send me your most embarrassing stories, but I think you must have forgotten, because I have received nary a one. That must be some kind of mistake, right? That's ok, though, because that means I don't have to share mine! It doesn't mean I can't share someone elses for them, though.
ahem. Here's a little tale about my friend, Dolly.

Back in college, Dolly did a study abroad in Australia. (Where, by the way, she has described herself as being "fat and hairy and happy." Apparently, she did not receive the same pressures there that she did back at home at her school of beautiful people when it came to staying thin and eating healthy. Or shaving. And she loved it.) So, one day fat (so she says - but I don't believe it), hairy, Dolly heard about an opportunity to go white water rafting! Except I think they just called it "rafting", and Dolly immediately equated it with her own experience of rafting back at home: blowing up a little float, and taking a leisurely, southern-style float down our local red river. In other words, you lay there in thick muck and slowly paddle yourself around. Any average octogenarian could handle the pace. With this in mind she said to herself, "Great! I'll work on my tan!" and then she donned her bikini.

Well, poor little Dolly had a surprise in store for her. It was called: rapids. This was her introduction to them. I think she must have quickly realized that this was not going to be the trip she thought it was when the handed out the helmets, life-jackets, and went over the life-saving safety precautions. But still not afraid, she boarded her raft with her friend Stacey, two guys they had never met before, and their appointed raft guide. Although she was not able to stretch out and tan herself as she had planned, she was handling herself ok... until a mighty rapid came and swept her away! But never fear! Friend Stacey had listened to the instructions well, and with a cry of "I'll save her!" lept to the side of the raft, grabbed the shoulders of Dolly's jacket and dramatically hauled her over the side of the raft, just as she was supposed to. The only problem was - when you do this, you don't expect the person to be wearing a bikini. As Stacey fell backward pulling Dolly along, that outward rubber-raft barrier grabbed a hold of Dolly's bikini bottoms, and pulled them down to her ankles.

So, there was Dolly, floundering around like a giant fish in the bottom of the raft, trying to pull up her bottoms as quickly as she could. And if you guys have ever been in a raft, you should be able to imagine that this is not easy. There's not exactly a steady surface there to put your weight on, you know? As she described it, it involved a lot of rolling around rather awkwardly. Once she had them up and all her lady-parts once again covered, she assumed her seat on the raft, took up her oar, and began to paddle with her most serious face, as if nothing had just happened. Also? The entire raft was completely silent. (For those of you who don't humiliate yourself regularly and may not know this - sometimes it's better to laugh than to avoid eye contact and pretend like nothing is happening - that just makes it more awkward. I know this for a fact.) Eventually, she made eye contact with Stacey, and the two of them got out a good, long laugh - while the other three men in the boat paddled on quietly.

As luck would have it, this was The big rapid, and you know what happens at The big rapid, right? The rafting company positions a camera man near by so all of your expressions can be captured forever! And then they show everyone a slideshowl of all the photos from all the trips that had just been taken. When Dolly realized this was happening, she confronted the camera man. And one little known fact about Dolly is that when she is REALLY angry (which is very seldom) a thick, thick southern accent emerges out of no where. So what she yelled in his face was this, "If mah butt is own that cam'ra, ah'll DAH!!!" Or, "If my butt is on that camera, I'll die" for anyone who doesn't speak southern.

He must have understood her, because when the photos of her raft came up, there was one of her starting to be pulled back in the raft, and then it skipped to them all sitting in place again. Today Dolly told me that it is one thing to show your ass, but that this was ugly naked. She thinks that she scarred everyone on that trip. But I have to wonder if there isn't someone out there with a few photos that they like to share for a good laugh now and then...