This is what you get when I have a beer for dinner

Bits of conversations I've had this week:

1. Walking down the hall at work, with my boss, on the way to check on some live wires in a room that flooded from the ceiling over the weekend:

me: "Well, this may be the last time I'm ever seen alive. Since I'm about to be electrocuted."

her (not serious): "Oh. I will do it!"

me (jumping on it): "Ok!"

her: laughs. Then gets quiet. Then nervous. "But.... I have my daughter... I better not. Because what about my daughter?"

What could I say? She had a point. So I stepped in with my less-worthy life and took the chance - because my job is totally worth electrocution. I'm still alive.


2. With my family, discussing some memory with my sister. I don't remember what it was, but I'm sure I was right. But my mom jumped to my sister's side with this comment (should be said with raised eyebrows and southern accent): "Jennifer tends to exaggerate." Now, this is highly ironic, because my mom exaggerates to the degree that the statements are only loosely based on truth at best. I actually try to make it a point to say what I mean. And to back this up, I'd like to point to the fact that my dad was laughing hysterically when she said this (but silently and behind her back, so that he wouldn't have to face the wrath).

Anyway, you know what her example was? Do you know what she was thinking of that made her take my sister's side and dismiss whatever (correct and superior) point I was trying to make? She brought up an incident that took place over a year ago, where I, for some reason I cannot fathom, let her come dress shopping with me. This was probably the first time I had done this since I had gained the ability to drive myself to the mall, at last putting to an end the humiliating dress room looks. They went like this: I open the door, my mom's eyebrows go up, the corners of her mouth turns down just a little bit, and she makes this high pitched "humh" noise. And then she tells me to turn around, and she humhs again, even higher, to express that even greater visual offensiveness comes from the behind view. Then, if I am really lucky, she extends one finger and pokes me wherever I am sticking out the most. Those were good times.

So, she brings up this time over a year ago, when, after I have gone back behind the closed door, one of the other women in the room says, "Oh! Are you looking for a prom dress?" And my mom answers with, "Oh no, she's WAY past that! chuckle, chuckle, chuckle."

Now, granted, I am way past that. But still. Did she have to put the extra emphasis on the way? Apparently so. And I commented on it (over a year ago), and she says she did not say it like that (yes she did), and therefore nothing I say can be trusted. When I told her that actually, I think she exaggerates more than I do, she said, "No, sometimes I just say things jokingly, and ya'll just don't get it." um, no, that's not it at all.
But I didn't argue, because in addition to the exaggerating, she will never admit to being wrong. Other than that, she's pretty great.

3. things the make-up counter girl said:

"It's because you didn't put on any powder this morning. You did? hmm... are you doing anything tonight? Well, I better do your whole face then. See how much better this is?"

"See, you have long lashes! But it doesn't show because you won't wear the mascara."

"You have little eyes."

"Do you use eye cream? Because... you know... that area around the eyes is more sensitive... and...um... that's where we first start showing our age... in wrinkles."

These actually aren't bad at all... I think there was something worse, but I've forgotten it... still not nearly as hard to hear as the freckle lady. Which, this girl, from the exact same counter, also agreed was wrong! Oh, and you know what else she told me? The product that was recommended for my freckles is for covering scars! She said that my freckles were not scars. Thank you.
And then I spent a lot of money on things that I did not know I needed.
Do you guys out there have any idea how expensive make-up is? Be glad you don't have the world pressuring you to buy it, and use great artistic talent to make yourself look like a different person.

Time to wash my face and take myself to bed. I look like a clown. Good investment, though.