I’ll try to give a couple of examples…
CheapMan. CheapMan is a big, tall man with a high-pitched voice. His voice goes up an octave whenever he discovers a price that is higher than he thinks is reasonable. And it doesn’t take too high a price to garner his disdain. This is what I often hear coming from his office: (in high and squeaky voice) “oh my gosh! Their sandwiches cost four dollars!!!”
If a fast food place has a deal on a certain day of the week, he knows about it, and he’s there. He once saw me with a McDonald’s bag eating outside, and he had to come out and ask me about it, “Was there a special today?” No. “…. Why are you eating McDonald’s? Did you buy that? I don’t understand.”
I should mention that he’s an eater. (can’t fault him for that.) Combine that with his thriftiness, and you get a man who loves an all you can eat buffet. When he has a buffet trip planned, his eyes will get big, and he’ll squeal in excitement. And one time, one awful, dark day, when he had planned a trip to the Pizza Hut all you can eat lunch buffet – he told us that he would be taking an enema that night so that he would have maximum space available for the Pizza Hut and get more for his money.
He also loves chocolate. But he won’t buy it unless it’s right after a holiday. Then, he stores up. All the on-sale holiday chocolate he can get his hands on. After one late night at the lab, we found FIVE EMPTY large chocolate bunny boxes strewn about his desk the next day. Apparently, he was scared to leave at night in our neighborhood. I guess this goes along with his not letting his sons play contact sports, because they could get hurt. (Instead he signs them up with girls dance troops – where they wear tights and sequined vests. Then he brings in the photos of them posing with little top hats and canes and spirit fingers, and I have to not laugh – which is very hard.)
He also thinks anyone who lives in the city is crazy, because you the further away you live, the less you have to pay, and he can’t understand that anything else would matter. He drives a long long way every day. And he thinks I’m insane.
He’s also a laboratory genius. And I think it worth mentioning that he has a brother who is a professional Elvis impersonator.
Then there is Vienna Sausage Lady. Oh, where to begin about ViennaSausageLady… Her name: See, ViennaSausageLady takes her work VERY seriously. Even when there is not much work to do, she is there early, and stays late. Just in case. She checks and rechecks her work, she’s constantly stressed – and trust me on this, we do NOT work in a high stress environment. Anyway, because she's so wound up about work, she will very rarely leave to eat lunch. So sometimes she’ll keep a little food around… like, say, cans of Vienna sausages in the fridge. Now, she used to share an office with my friend Robin. Now, Robin has some peculiar eating habits – particularly when it comes to meats. She will only eat meat from certain places, and she would certainly never eat leftovers. Even the deli meat she purchased has to be consumed within a certain number of hours. So when she told me that she felt physically ill when her office mate ate the canned Vienna Sausage right in front of her, I thought it was funny. Oh, silly Robin, being phobic about meat again. But then she told me, she doesn’t just eat it – she uses a spoon to sip the juice from the can. Gross, right? But I’m telling you, you can not appreciate how gross until you witness it for yourself. I was in the office one day talking to VSL, fully warned about the juice sipping, when it happened. She dipped that spoon into that cold, gray liquid, brought it to her lips, and sipped. With noise. And my stomach actually turned over. I completely forgot whatever I had been saying, started stuttering in the middle of a sentence, and tried not to be physically ill. I excused myself as soon as I could and got far far away.
She is also a huge fan of our professional baseball team, and her college football team. She has a bright shiny jacket for one, and a pewter necklace for the other. Speak out against either of them, and you will get yelled at. Leave the door to the lab open for a second longer than necessary, and you will get yelled at. It doesn’t matter who you are, she will scream, “Shut the damn door!” at you, for fear that you let in some contaminant that could interfere with her work (extremely unlikely). But she always worries. It is not uncommon to see her pacing around outside, muttering to herself, or to see her talking to her instruments as if they are people.
She yells, but she is actually very nice. And concerned about others. Too concerned. If she sees me glancing in a direction, she will follow me back to my office and ask, “Were you looking for someone? No? Ok… (I don’t believe you). Is there something I can help you with? What’s going on? What are you doing?”
We really do need to sign her up for some other activities.
Then, of course, there is Bathroom Lady, who I have talked about here and here. There’s also a woman who makes all her own pants in various polyester colors, has a matching pair of shoes and big bow for each color, and is obsessed with Elvis. (see photo).
She is relatively normal.
Then there is my boss, who I love. She’s kind, and warm, and a good and honest worker. And she’s always looking for ways to better her daughter’s education – like, buying books from any other Chinese-Americans that explain how they got their child into Harvard. She also reads a lot of Chinese books on health. One day she was reading one with all sorts of Mandarin characters, and the number “30” – printed really large. I asked about it, and she said it was for women to start preparing for menopause. You know, when they are 30. I don’t ask anymore. But sometimes she offers her advice anyway, like this: “You need hurry up and have babies. Because, sometimes, when you are getting older, the baby come out, and you see something wrong with it.” Yeah, thanks… I’ll get right on that.
There are others, but I think you get the idea. I am surrounded by beakers.
1 comment:
Yeah I want to vomit about the Vienna sausage stuff.
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