Introducing... Lob?

I mentioned over here that I have a friend who asked for an introduction. I have procrastinated on this in part because she said she wanted a fabulous fake name, but she didn't approve of any of my suggestions. She finally came up with Lob - or maybe Blay came up with it, I don't remember. Either way, she approved of it and it stands for "lazy over-achieving bitch". She thought this was an accurate description, but I haven't been satisfied with it. I wanted to use her "if I ever become a stripper, this will be my stage name" name, Afreaka, but she wouldn't let me. But I've come up with nothing better, so "Lob" it will have to be - she asked for it.

Lob and I become schoolmates in the 6th grade, and she was soon my best friend. We were very similar in many ways - like sense of humor, a fondness for eating (most of our classmates didn't eat much) and immaturity (immature in the way that when Snott was giving Dolly flirting lessons in the 8th grade, we were playing 4-square with the 6th graders.) But very different in that she was perfect in every way and I was average in most every way (some ways I am below average - if you ever ask me to sing, don't say you haven't been warned. Lob can't sing, either though - just ask her about being in "Chorus 2"). Lob wasn't lazy in those days - I definitely beat her in that. She worked hard, and she excelled at everything she tried. She was a top student - when a couple of students from each state were chosen to go meet the President our senior year, she was one of them. And she was a great athlete - she was the ESPN female scholar athlete of the year. She was also a peer leader, on the honor counsel, class officer, blah, blah, blah. She sounds quite horrible, doesn't she? Do you remember that section on college applications that asks you to list your awards and achievements? And it left a lot of space for your little type-written answers? I would rack my brain trying to think of more things to fill up some of that space. Lob complained to me about having to attach a second sheet to list all of her awards and accomplishments. Do you hate her yet? Her legend lived on at school after our time - we'd hear from younger siblings that her name was still spoken in the halls.

Well, maybe she would have been a little unbearable if it weren't for 2 things: 1) I really really enjoyed rubbing it in whenever she did have a shortcoming (maybe twice), and 2) she was actually quite evil.

An example in #1... we once got the same grade on a math test, and she later admitted to me that it was "the most depressing day of her life." Or was that when I got a better grade on her on a math quiz? One of those times... the fact alone that we were put in the same math class was perplexing enough to her, but this was just too much. Oh, and remember the presidential fitness test? Lob was tortured by the fact she couldn't get it due to one task - the "sit and reach." Lob is not so flexible. So she practiced at home - she sat and reached, and she had her father push on her back to try to force the reach. She burst a blood vessel in her eye this way. She came to school with a red eye because she had been practicing the sit and reach. For me, the sit and reach was probably the easiest part of that test. Oh, how I liked to give her a big smile when I did it. (I never got the certificate either, because the one thing I couldn't do was the pull-ups. Difference was, it didn't bother me at all.)

And as for point #2... Everyone thought she was sweet and perfect, but I knew the truth. She had another life... a life of wickedness and debauchery. Ok, maybe that's a little extreme - but she did try to keep her true evil nature a secret. And it has occurred to me now, since she was so determined not to have her real name used, even though the 2 people who read this already know who she is, I could use this site to torture her by revealing all of her secrets! BAHAHAHAHA!
Ok, I wouldn't reveal all of her secrets, because then she might not tell them to me anymore. I'll just share one little anecdote, that is not even a secret, but when her brother who was still in high school heard it, and threatened to spread it around, she was very scared. Scared that her lingering reputation at our old high school would be ruined.

This is it:
Once upon a time Good Morning America came to Lob's college town, and all the students showed up to watch the taping. And who does the show pluck from the audience to appear with them? Lob, of course! Who else? And there she was all pretty and perfect and well-spoken and smiling for the camera. What her friends and family at home didn't know was that among the students there were some from a local school for the mentally challenged. And when the cameras came on, and the crowd suddenly realized that they were standing in the wrong place, there was a mad dash for the spotlight. Lob got jostled by a mentally challenged kid, and she elbowed him in the head (basically, trying to inflict head trauma, as if that's what he needed), knocking him down. She would like for me to add at this point that she only "helped" knock him down, as his balance wasn't so good in the first place. And that it was only in the head because he was short (in other words, a child.) And, that she hesitated for just a second - long enough to look back at him - wondering if she should go back and help him up. She did not. She left him lying there, and she got her place on t.v. If it wasn't apparent from what I said already, Lob is very competitive.

And here's how she defends herself on this story:

if you tell the story about the mentally challenged child, remember to say
that (1) i didn't know when i elbowed him that he was mentally challenged, (2) he elbowed me first, and (3) i'd do it again since i got on Good Morning America. maybe leave out #3.

post script:
I just called Lob to give her a chance to read this and make any recommendations, and she seemed to be quite upset by the way I painted her. She said that reading this was like opening "a window to her soul" and that she now saw her own true evil nature. She said I didn't put in any of her good qualities - like that she has a good-looking husband.
Maybe I did forget that you may not know her and therefore don't automatically know all her good qualities. In addition to her over-achieving tendencies and slight evilness, she is also funny, sharp, and always so much fun to be around. I have laughed with her until I hurt so so many times, and I can't imagine these last -mm... let's not count how many years since we were 11, ok? without her. She's the bestest. She's someone I know I can confess anything to, and she won't think less of me (who is she to judge anyway, right?) Oh, and even though she didn't enjoy my so very slight and fleeting math achievements, she's protective of me, too. It's good to know that you have a friend who will tear up on your behalf when you've been slighted (even if she was enduring some pregnancy hormones at the time), or that will get fired up enough to kick the butt of someone who has messed with you. Actually, she would probably try to enlist her husband to do that for her, while she stood somewhere more safe - I did say she was smart, after all.