Return of Bathroom Lady

Some of you may remember "Bathroom Lady" - a woman that works here at the lab, and that I found hanging out in the bathroom every time I went in there during my first 2 years here. She liked to say things like, "you don't have a stomach - but you sure have some hips." Or, "you married?" no. "you got kids?" no. "How old are you? 21?" 27. "What?! And you ain't got no kids?! Girl, what're you waiting for??!!" And she always asked how my mother was. And no, she doesn't know my mother. And I never knew her name - that's why she is Bathroom Lady.

Well, I just had a marathon session with her - in the bathroom, of course.
Here's how it went down:
(The scene: lab bathroom, me washing hands at one sink, BL playing with her hair and glancing at me from the other end of the mirror)
BL: You losing weight.
me: No.
BL: You look like you are. Here's how I think of you: you wide. (here she holds out her hands beyond her hips - which are not so narrow themselves), but you little. You know who you built like? You probably don't know her. Have you ever heard of Beyonce?
me: yes...
BL: She's wide but she's little.
me: But she has a chest to balance it out.
BL: (hysterical laughter of agreement)

Then she asked how my mother was. Then she asked how my brother was (she didn’t know I had a brother). I told her he was well, in grad school and engaged.
BL: "He getting married??!" "And it's just you and him, right?"
me: "No, I have a sister, she's married and has a one-year-old."
BL: "She's married? You younger?"
me: "No, I'm the oldest."
BL: (looking at me with pity) "And now it's just you then... You found anyone you like?"
me: "no... i broke up with my boyfriend of last year a little while ago and I'm very single now." (she used to ask me this question all the time, and then make me count back the months/years till my last relationship. i was hoping to avoid that with this. as you are about to see, that was a bad decision.)
BL: "Why'd you break up with him?!"
me: "well, he broke up with me."
BL: "Why?"

and then I gave a short "he just changed his mind" or something like that answer, and then she was asking me how that made me feel, blah, blah, and then she said,
"You know what you have to do, don't you? you need to run right out and find somebody else!" and before I could answer, she told me this looong story about herself and a certain gentleman.
They loved each other, they were talking about marriage, and they were waiting to sleep together, because that's what Jesus would want, and this was really hard for her, because it had been 2 months and she hadn't slept with him.
BL: "And then something happened. And we slept together. And as soon as it was over he started carrying on and on about 'oh no, what have I done?!' - like he was the woman! And then the next morning he didn't call me, and we were prayer partners - so I knew something was wrong. And I told him, "please, we can make this work", etc, and he said he just didn't feel the same way about me no more. He didn't think of me the same way.
And you know what I did? And I think God is telling me to tell you this... I know it sounds slutty, but I went out and slept with somebody else. And that way, I dumped out my stuff on him (new man) - and I know that isn't right - but men do it all the time. And I knew that I didn't care about him - I met him at the grocery store - but that way I had made the decision, and I was in control. And then I could see him - cause we had gatherings with friends where I was going to see him - and then I didn't care any more - because he didn't care. And I could talk to him all day long, I just didn't want him touching me. He tried to shake my hand but I couldn’t have him touching me. And he got kind of angry, cuz he wanted me to give him back some of his stuff he left at my house, and I wasn't going to do it... “

and this goes on, fast forward to her telling me, "So you need to get out and sleep with somebody."
me: "uh... yeah.... I haven't really been interested in anybody."
BL: "You know why that is? You doing it to yourself. You know what I'm saying? You're doing it to yourself. Cause you're not making yourself as pretty as you need to be making yourself. You're not putting on that extra lipstick that you *need* to be putting on. And you're not wearing that extra eyeshadow that you *need* to be wearing. (and here she's raising her eyebrows and pursing her lips, like "you know what I'm talking about.") And you not wearing those earrings that dangle all the way down to your chest."

And then we walk out of the bathroom, and are in the hall, where other people are around, and as I'm walking away she's calling after me,
"The earrings. All the way to the chest. You need to get them out. And show cleavage! Go out and buy something if you have to! And don't be wearing it all up here. Unzip it!! Show CLEAVAGE!"

So, there you have it. God has spoken to me through my coworker, and the message is: get thee to a grocery store, and jump yourself a man.