Mona: He’s cute. I’d go out with him.
Me: He’s married. They have 2 kids.
Mona: I know he’s married. Pretty much everyone is married but us. Think about it - everyone’s done it. Hermes has. Everyone but us. I know what my problem is, I don’t know about yours.
Me: Soo… do you think there could be a guy out there that’s perfect for me that hasn’t gotten married yet?
Mona: No. (without hesitation, and maybe a hint of disgust.)
Me: (laughing hard. Because you gotta love the honesty.)
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Speaking of aging...
In light of my last post, I would like to find out what anti-aging pills this guy is taking, and get my hands on a whole bunch of those.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I always knew this day would come
For many years - many, many years - I have, to the eyes of outside observers, looked younger than my actual age. For a long time, I didn't see this as a good thing. Take these examples:
- I'm 16, and my mom takes me and my 13-year-old sister for haircuts. The lady at the desks asks my mom for our names and ages, and when she says "16 and 13" the lady looks up, back and forth between my sister and myself, sneers, and says with disbelief, "Which one is 16?" My sister looks delighted, I feel humiliated.
- I'm 17, a junior in high school, and my friend Lob is dating a senior. She asks him if he knows who I am, and his answer is, "Yeah, the one that looks like a freshman." I never liked that guy.
- numerous times in college while trying to get into any 21 and over event
- I'm 22 and starting my first job. I've introduced myself to a co-worker my age, and am chatting until I stop to ask her a question. Her response? Smiles, shakes her head, and says, "It's like you just stepped out of high school and landed in my office!"
- A year later at the same job, I'm asked to go out for a night with a client. One younger woman, and one well-seasoned man. The man asks me exactly what my relevant experience is, and while I try to sound like I know what I'm talking about, he stares at me. When I'm finished, hoping I wait for his response, hoping I succeeded in not sounding like an idiot. His response is to continue to stare while saying, "Did you know you have dimples and freckles? How old are you?"
Sometime soon after this - as we get into my mid-twenties there, I don't mind this so much anymore, so the stories stop. But while it was still a bad thing, do you know what people would tell me? "One day you'll be greatful for this. You'll be 50, and people will think you're 30."
And do you know what I would say to this?? "Uh, no. No, no that will not happen. One day, when it becomes convenient for me to look younger, I will wake up and I will look 15 years older than my actual age. This is how my luck works."
And do you know where I'm going with this next, my people? That's right, that day has come.
The proof:
- This week my niece refers to herself as "a big girl." I ask if I'm a big girl, too. She laughs and says, "Nooo!" Well what am I, then? "You're a grown-up!" Ok, maybe that one's a little obvious, but it depressed me all the same.
- This week at my soccer game, a man on an over 40 team came up to my team - not exactly my whole team - more like just a small group of us that included me - and said he would keep his ears out for us for any over 40 leagues that may be starting up. I then witnessed our captain look each one of us in the face, trying to figure out which one of us looked so old that we were averaging the whole team out into the over 40 category. I prefer to think it wasn't me, but I was among the oldest there.
- Just tonight, I was out for a run, and may have stopped at a new Mexican restaurant to breathe in the sweet sweet aroma while looking over the menue and dreaming of margaritas - and a couple (a couple who is obviously older than me)stops on their way in and the man says, "Excuse m'am, but is that a Virginia shirt your wearing?" When I tell him it is, his wife (again, older) asks what year I graduated. Usually when I reply to this with "98", I'm used to getting "Oh! You were way before me! You look so young!" But this time it was a very surprised, "Ooh! Well. Good for you then. We were '87." Really? I mean it has been over 10 years, how much older than that do I look?
But the worst, the absolute worst of all was this one:
- I'm at the lake with friends of mine who are married, and just happen to be 1 and 2 years younger than me. Also at the lake, is our other friend's 5-year-old niece. She asks my married friends if they are brother and sister. Nooo... no we're not brother and sister, they tell her. "Well if you're not brother and sister, how come you look just alike?" (What every couple wants to hear, right?) And then she pulls this out: "I thought you were brother and sister, and she was your mother." And with that, she points across the deck to your truly. And many heads turn to stare. And there's nothing I can do but sit there and look matronly. That's right people, I have birthed a 31-year-old woman and a 32-year-old man. Would you not agree that I have taken the age leap that I have for so long predicted?
My only consolation on this last point is that the same kid thought my friends looked just alike. And I think I can disagree with her there. What do you think?
- I'm 16, and my mom takes me and my 13-year-old sister for haircuts. The lady at the desks asks my mom for our names and ages, and when she says "16 and 13" the lady looks up, back and forth between my sister and myself, sneers, and says with disbelief, "Which one is 16?" My sister looks delighted, I feel humiliated.
- I'm 17, a junior in high school, and my friend Lob is dating a senior. She asks him if he knows who I am, and his answer is, "Yeah, the one that looks like a freshman." I never liked that guy.
- numerous times in college while trying to get into any 21 and over event
- I'm 22 and starting my first job. I've introduced myself to a co-worker my age, and am chatting until I stop to ask her a question. Her response? Smiles, shakes her head, and says, "It's like you just stepped out of high school and landed in my office!"
- A year later at the same job, I'm asked to go out for a night with a client. One younger woman, and one well-seasoned man. The man asks me exactly what my relevant experience is, and while I try to sound like I know what I'm talking about, he stares at me. When I'm finished, hoping I wait for his response, hoping I succeeded in not sounding like an idiot. His response is to continue to stare while saying, "Did you know you have dimples and freckles? How old are you?"
Sometime soon after this - as we get into my mid-twenties there, I don't mind this so much anymore, so the stories stop. But while it was still a bad thing, do you know what people would tell me? "One day you'll be greatful for this. You'll be 50, and people will think you're 30."
And do you know what I would say to this?? "Uh, no. No, no that will not happen. One day, when it becomes convenient for me to look younger, I will wake up and I will look 15 years older than my actual age. This is how my luck works."
And do you know where I'm going with this next, my people? That's right, that day has come.
The proof:
- This week my niece refers to herself as "a big girl." I ask if I'm a big girl, too. She laughs and says, "Nooo!" Well what am I, then? "You're a grown-up!" Ok, maybe that one's a little obvious, but it depressed me all the same.
- This week at my soccer game, a man on an over 40 team came up to my team - not exactly my whole team - more like just a small group of us that included me - and said he would keep his ears out for us for any over 40 leagues that may be starting up. I then witnessed our captain look each one of us in the face, trying to figure out which one of us looked so old that we were averaging the whole team out into the over 40 category. I prefer to think it wasn't me, but I was among the oldest there.
- Just tonight, I was out for a run, and may have stopped at a new Mexican restaurant to breathe in the sweet sweet aroma while looking over the menue and dreaming of margaritas - and a couple (a couple who is obviously older than me)stops on their way in and the man says, "Excuse m'am, but is that a Virginia shirt your wearing?" When I tell him it is, his wife (again, older) asks what year I graduated. Usually when I reply to this with "98", I'm used to getting "Oh! You were way before me! You look so young!" But this time it was a very surprised, "Ooh! Well. Good for you then. We were '87." Really? I mean it has been over 10 years, how much older than that do I look?
But the worst, the absolute worst of all was this one:
- I'm at the lake with friends of mine who are married, and just happen to be 1 and 2 years younger than me. Also at the lake, is our other friend's 5-year-old niece. She asks my married friends if they are brother and sister. Nooo... no we're not brother and sister, they tell her. "Well if you're not brother and sister, how come you look just alike?" (What every couple wants to hear, right?) And then she pulls this out: "I thought you were brother and sister, and she was your mother." And with that, she points across the deck to your truly. And many heads turn to stare. And there's nothing I can do but sit there and look matronly. That's right people, I have birthed a 31-year-old woman and a 32-year-old man. Would you not agree that I have taken the age leap that I have for so long predicted?
My only consolation on this last point is that the same kid thought my friends looked just alike. And I think I can disagree with her there. What do you think?
Monday, May 4, 2009
Some things are hard to forget
Recent conversation I had with a boy I once knew:
Boy: "I guess I did call you a moose once (that's right people - a moose), but I think I meant it in an affectionate, friendly way."
Me: "mmhmm."
Boy: "I mean, you did ask me what kind of animal you look like, right?"
(Now, before I respond to this, let me make 2 points:
1) I am not so stupid as to ask that question. Especially of a boy who I am supposed to be interested in, and who I hope doesn't think I look like a large, ugly, clumsy animal. That has about a 99.9% chance of going wrong.
2) Even if I had asked that, is that really any kind of excuse? Besides the elephant and the whale (and maybe a possum), is there a worse answer?)
Lucky for him, I have an amazing memory only for things that other people wish I didn't remember, so I was able to respond to this with 100% certainty:
Me: "No, I did not ask you what kind of animal I looked like. I was asking you if you wanted one of my baby muppets (A gift from my friend Splann - they adorned my bookcase), and you pointed, and requested the moose."
What happened next here was that I got really confused - because do you remember a Moose Muppet? Neither did I. But what else could he possibly be talking about, right? So with my great look of confusion, I turned back to my bookcase, and searched for the moose. When I turned back around to say that I wasn't seeing the moose, he was still pointing. And as I looked at the excusing finger, and followed it's path with my eyes - a path that lead straight to myself - my question about the moose muppet kind of slowed and then got stuck in my mouth, and then I believe my expression probably changed to something like horrified indignation - because his changed from confident nonchalance (oddly enough), to one of "uh...wait... was that wrong? (wheels turning, wheels turning)".
Me: "And then you looked scared, and said, "...I was just trying to think of what animal you look like.""
(At this point, I'm pretty sure my expression got worse. And I was speechless.)
Him: "Well - a moose is a funny-looking animal - so it was funny, right?!"
Me: (sigh) "I just hope you've learned from this."
The truth is, it was funny. Because it was so shocking - shocking that a full grown man would not know that this may not be received as cute as it was intended to be.
The reason this all came up is that I was talking to a friend about dumb things men say - about insults when they are trying to be flattering. There were many, MANY examples (not just mine - but good ones from friends), but when this anecdote popped into my head, and I shared it, she found it the most shocking of all. It may have been my reenactment of my reaction - but she was laughing so hard that she was crying, having trouble breathing, and falling out of her chair. So when I told this boy that I had nearly killed a coworker by sharing this story, do you know what he thought? He focused on the first part of the sentence, and really believed I had nearly killed someone in my office. I mean, a moose, ok. I can see where you get that - but a rabid moose? Come on. Don't I deserve better than that?
(p.s. My dad's pet name for my sister when we were little? "SweetPea". And what did he call me? "Moose Breath".
(p.p.s. I had already started writing this down when I read this today. I like it better. So glad I'm not the only one!)
Boy: "I guess I did call you a moose once (that's right people - a moose), but I think I meant it in an affectionate, friendly way."
Me: "mmhmm."
Boy: "I mean, you did ask me what kind of animal you look like, right?"
(Now, before I respond to this, let me make 2 points:
1) I am not so stupid as to ask that question. Especially of a boy who I am supposed to be interested in, and who I hope doesn't think I look like a large, ugly, clumsy animal. That has about a 99.9% chance of going wrong.
2) Even if I had asked that, is that really any kind of excuse? Besides the elephant and the whale (and maybe a possum), is there a worse answer?)
Lucky for him, I have an amazing memory only for things that other people wish I didn't remember, so I was able to respond to this with 100% certainty:
Me: "No, I did not ask you what kind of animal I looked like. I was asking you if you wanted one of my baby muppets (A gift from my friend Splann - they adorned my bookcase), and you pointed, and requested the moose."
What happened next here was that I got really confused - because do you remember a Moose Muppet? Neither did I. But what else could he possibly be talking about, right? So with my great look of confusion, I turned back to my bookcase, and searched for the moose. When I turned back around to say that I wasn't seeing the moose, he was still pointing. And as I looked at the excusing finger, and followed it's path with my eyes - a path that lead straight to myself - my question about the moose muppet kind of slowed and then got stuck in my mouth, and then I believe my expression probably changed to something like horrified indignation - because his changed from confident nonchalance (oddly enough), to one of "uh...wait... was that wrong? (wheels turning, wheels turning)".
Me: "And then you looked scared, and said, "...I was just trying to think of what animal you look like.""
(At this point, I'm pretty sure my expression got worse. And I was speechless.)
Him: "Well - a moose is a funny-looking animal - so it was funny, right?!"
Me: (sigh) "I just hope you've learned from this."
The truth is, it was funny. Because it was so shocking - shocking that a full grown man would not know that this may not be received as cute as it was intended to be.
The reason this all came up is that I was talking to a friend about dumb things men say - about insults when they are trying to be flattering. There were many, MANY examples (not just mine - but good ones from friends), but when this anecdote popped into my head, and I shared it, she found it the most shocking of all. It may have been my reenactment of my reaction - but she was laughing so hard that she was crying, having trouble breathing, and falling out of her chair. So when I told this boy that I had nearly killed a coworker by sharing this story, do you know what he thought? He focused on the first part of the sentence, and really believed I had nearly killed someone in my office. I mean, a moose, ok. I can see where you get that - but a rabid moose? Come on. Don't I deserve better than that?
(p.s. My dad's pet name for my sister when we were little? "SweetPea". And what did he call me? "Moose Breath".
(p.p.s. I had already started writing this down when I read this today. I like it better. So glad I'm not the only one!)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
my brain talks to itself, but it doesn't listen very well
Example conversation of my brain talking to my brain:
Brain: "hmm. My lips feel chapped. My skin must be dry - the air must be dry in here, I'll get some lotion."
a few hours later:
Brain: "geez... I keep putting on the chapstick, but they still feel SO CHAPPED."
an hour later, while visiting the bathroom at work:
Brain: "What the hell??! Why are my lips all swollen and peeling looking? How did I not notice this before??"
Brain drifts back to some 4 days before... Discovering a bag that hadn't been used in quite some time:
Loud Voice in Brain: "Ah! I forget all about this chapstick! It's fancy Aveda chapstick, with built in SPF 15! Perfect for my day outdoors.
Small Voice in Brain: "wait... I almost remember something about this..."
Loud Voice in Brain: "Oh, and it feels so good! How did I forget about this!
Small Voice in Brain: "Was there a reason maybe I stopped using this..."
Loud Voice in Brain: "So creamy... and it smells so good! mmmm...."
Small Voice in Brain: "Like maybe an allergic reaction? Was I allergic to this?"
Loud Voice in Brain: "YUM! I will take you with me, and reapply you all day long!"
And back to the present while staring at swollen, pealing, freakish looking lips:
Brain: "Ah. Yes. Funny I didn't remember that earlier..."
I didn't throw it away. It's out there somewhere waiting to be rediscovered in a bag again... and I bet my brain will not remember it all over again, and again be delighted over the awesome discovery.
Brain: "hmm. My lips feel chapped. My skin must be dry - the air must be dry in here, I'll get some lotion."
a few hours later:
Brain: "geez... I keep putting on the chapstick, but they still feel SO CHAPPED."
an hour later, while visiting the bathroom at work:
Brain: "What the hell??! Why are my lips all swollen and peeling looking? How did I not notice this before??"
Brain drifts back to some 4 days before... Discovering a bag that hadn't been used in quite some time:
Loud Voice in Brain: "Ah! I forget all about this chapstick! It's fancy Aveda chapstick, with built in SPF 15! Perfect for my day outdoors.
Small Voice in Brain: "wait... I almost remember something about this..."
Loud Voice in Brain: "Oh, and it feels so good! How did I forget about this!
Small Voice in Brain: "Was there a reason maybe I stopped using this..."
Loud Voice in Brain: "So creamy... and it smells so good! mmmm...."
Small Voice in Brain: "Like maybe an allergic reaction? Was I allergic to this?"
Loud Voice in Brain: "YUM! I will take you with me, and reapply you all day long!"
And back to the present while staring at swollen, pealing, freakish looking lips:
Brain: "Ah. Yes. Funny I didn't remember that earlier..."
I didn't throw it away. It's out there somewhere waiting to be rediscovered in a bag again... and I bet my brain will not remember it all over again, and again be delighted over the awesome discovery.
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